This past weekend was my high school class reunion, and though I didn’t go, it has been on my mind.
I haven’t attended any of the past class reunions – the timing of the events just haven’t been right for me. Ten years ago, I was out of town, and this year I had to work, on both the night of the pre-reunion gathering and the night of the actual reunion.
And ten years ago, I wrote an essay for a journalism class I was taking at NYU, about why I wouldn’t go to a class reunion. Looking back over it now, I still feel the same kind of ambivalence, towards reunions and high school in general.
It’s not that I hated high school. In fact, I had a pretty good four years. I did well in my classes, and liked most of my teachers. I got along with almost everyone; although I had only a few close friends, I also had a lot of casual friends and acquaintances – I wasn’t an outcast.
I was involved in so many activities that I didn’t have much free time at all. I played flute for concert and marching band, and marched for a year in the flag color-guard. I sang mezzo-soprano in chorus. I wrote for the “Fire and Ice” literary publication, and for the senior yearbook. I was involved in the drama club, and acted in the musicals, “Annie Get Your Gun” and “Pippin.” I was a statistician for the winter and spring track teams. And I was even a football and soccer cheerleader in junior year. I still remember the words to cheers, the fun drama club cast parties, the competitive marching band meets, and the camaraderie of shared experiences.
And, although it seems like most of my classmates have scattered all over the US, whenever I’ve run into some of them in past years, I’ve been genuinely glad to see them and know how they are doing. And now I’m even in touch with some of my classmates online. I must admit that social networking is a great tool to bring people from the past together in the here and now.
And it’s through social networking that I’m able to read comments about the reunion, and see pictures from the event. And it satisfies my curiosity to look at pictures and see if I recognize some of my classmates – many of them look great and haven’t changed much from their old yearbook photos. And everyone looks like they had a great and memorable time.
But I do wonder how the reunion would have been for me, if I’d been able to attend. Once I saw everyone and said hi, what would be left? After the requisite reminiscing, I think I’d have been looking for a way to gracefully make an exit.
Because I realize that despite the shared school-years past, I probably don’t have much in common with my former classmates. The pictures show that these are obviously people at the mid-point of life. I’m sure that most are parents (or possibly, some are maybe even grandparents now) and many are settled into homes and communities; and careers in fields like law, insurance, and nursing. And I think that many were probably glad to share their current accomplishments and look back fondly on their past times.
But I feel like I can’t relate to the point in life that most of my classmates have reached. Sometimes, somehow, I feel like I’m still waiting for this life to begin. It seems like I’m in a sort of time warp; that not many years have passed at all since I was a high-school and college student.
In many ways, I feel like I’m still living the life of a college student (minus the classes right now) or someone yet on the brink of adulthood. Although my boyfriend Ian and I have been together for 12 years, we still only live together, instead of committing to marriage. (I must admit that I tried the marriage thing some years ago, and it didn’t work out, so I’m not too interested in trying again.) And though we’ve lived in a nice downtown townhouse apartment for a few years, it’s kind of small and still feels kind of transient. (I had once been a homeowner as well as a spouse, but like the marriage, the house didn’t last.) We’re childless, and don’t have plans for a family. And, instead of having careers, we both work retail “day jobs” while pursuing our creative work – Ian’s photography and my writing.
And sure, there are times when I’d like to feel more settled down, in a relationship that feels more permanent; in a home that’s part of a community; and with a successful creative career. But it’s then that I look ahead, to the potential and possibilities of the future, instead of dwelling on the past or placidly accepting the present.
I think that the most important thing about a reunion is how you feel about yourself – about the student you were, and who you’ve become since then. In many ways, I still feel close to the student I used to be – I feel years younger, and on good days, I look much younger than my chronological years. I like who I’ve become since then, but I still feel like I’m in a stage of personal and life development – with some wisdom gained from years of experience.
Maybe five or ten years on, I’ll feel like time and I have finally caught up with each other. And maybe I’ll feel differently about looking back on my high-school years, and about sharing that present self with my classmates. Until then, I’ll continue to look ahead, with hope, to the future. And then I’ll look to the past for perspective, and appreciate how my former self has helped shape the person I’ve become. That’s a reunion I can look forward to.
