This New Year was a bit different for me and my boyfriend Ian. In past years, we have enjoyed some great evenings of music at the (sadly, now closed) Cubbyhole Coffeehouse that were presented by our friend Lee Brown, musician and proprietor of the coffeehouse. We've also spent some memorable New Year's Eves in New York City, although not at the massive Times Square ball drop. One year we saw an amazing and inspiring performance by Patti Smith at the Bowery Ballroom, and another year we attended an adventurous and surreal dance party at the (now closed) club Mother, with a great group of people, including our good friends Jayne and Len Warner. And at the turn of the Millenium we celebrated with our own dance party, organized by Jayne and Len, at Beacon, NY's historic Howland Center - it was a fun and unforgettable time.
Even when there hasn't been a great music event or party, Ian and I have at least treated ourselves to a nice dinner out at one of our area's many excellent restaurants - we've gone to Dickens (sadly, also closed); River Station, and Cosimo's (all in Poughkeepsie, NY). And we've come home in time to watch the ball drop in Times Square on ABC-TV's broadcast of Dick Clark's "New Year's Rockin Eve."
But this year, I've been sick with some kind of lingering cold/flu since Christmas Eve. So we decided it was best to stay in. At first, I was disappointed, because New Year's Eve is the best excuse for a night out, but we made the best of it and actually had a good night. We made dinner - salmon with sour cream-dill sauce and roasted potatoes, and chocolate-filled crepes with strawberries for dessert. And we toasted the New Year with glasses of wine as we watched the ball drop on TV. It wasn't the same without Dick Clark (RIP) but it was a New Year's tradition nonetheless.
And this morning, I observed another New Year's tradition that I've had since 1984 - playing U2's "New Year's Day" as my first song of the year. I love this live performance at Ireland's Slane Castle, from 2001's Elevation tour (posted on Youtube by dolenc1234).
To me, it just wouldn't be New Year's Day without hearing the enduring Irish rockers' rousing and inspiring song... especially the lyrics, "I... I will begin again." That's always been the my idea of a new year - fresh beginnings; the potential and promise of the future.
And I usually focus on the possibilities of the coming year, with a renewed list of resolutions and goals - most of them centered on my writing. This year my writing goals are the same as always - to finish at least one of my book manuscripts; to post more writing blogs and develop a better online presence; and to practice journal writing more often each week.
In past years, I've usually spent a good part of New Year's Day on my writing, as I planned to do this year. But I still felt sick when I woke up today, and after Ian and I had breakfast (he made French Toast with freah strawberries and blueberry syrup - it was awesomely yummy) and I had a cup of Echinacea tea, I fell asleep on the couch, for the entire morning. I woke up briefly, and started reading "Ruby," a great, magical-realism fantasy novel co-written by one of my favorite authors, Francesca Lia Block, along with Carmen Staton. I got halfway through it, but then fell asleep again, all while Ian took some photographs of the clockworks of an old clock; worked on some of his previous photos with Photoshop; and submitted some pictures for a show at a gallery in Troy, NY, featuring photographs taken on 12-12-12.
When I woke up, I was glad that he'd had so many creative accomplishments, but I felt like I'd wasted too much time sleeping. Until Ian reminded me that I really needed the rest - probably one of the reasons the illness has persisted is that I've concentrated too much on just getting through most of my scheduled workdays and haven't focused on getting better. And he's right. It's probably time to see a doctor and finally get some real medicine to get this out of my system.
And it's time for me to just accept that although this New Year hasn't been perfect, it's been just fine. And instead of being disappointed in myself for still not being able to meet all my New Year's endeavors, I should appreciate my writing ability and the fact that I can still make renewed writing goals for the coming year.
I know I tend to get down on myself when I don't feel like I've lived up to all of my resolutions that I've set for myself each year. I think it's partly because I'm a perfectionist, and partly because this society is so results-oriented. Everyone tends to want to overcome obstacles; reach the finish line; be a winner.
But sometimes, obstacles (like this illness) are a part of life, and they need to be accepted and lived through, not just overcome. This New Year's Day, I needed to rest, instead of sprinting through the starting gate of a new year of opportunities and plans. That doesn't make me a bad person; it makes me human. And I realize that it's okay.
I think I should start this year with a more Zen-like approach, as writer/artist/teacher Natalie Goldberg discusses in her seminars and many of my favorite writing books, such as "Writing Down the Bones" and "Wild Mind." I really love her idea of writing as a spiritual practice that's developed throughout life. I need to appreciate the opportunities when I can write and hope that they come often enough for me to make some progress on my projects, instead of berating myself when I am just unable to write and it can't be helped. I need to get back to enjoying the act of writing in itself, without the pressure of self-imposed time limits. I need to get out of my own way, and just write... and keep writing, and trust that it will eventually lead to meeting my writing goals.
I need to accept that I'm a person with flaws as well as strengths. I need to appreciate who I am. I need to just be.
The words "just be" were on my mind, and I remembered them in a song. I looked up, and found it in this video on YouTube (posted by oOXenaOo) - "Just Be," by British electronica musician Kirsty Hawkshaw, in a 2004 collaboration with DJ Tiesto. A new song, a new approach, for a new year...
Happy 2013, everyone.
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